So it's currently 1:08am in my office, and I am at work for a variety of reasons. No one really cares or wants to know what those reasons are, and I also don't really care about them for a variety of other reasons I also don't care to share, so we'll skip ahead to my current 1:10am gripe about life.
Late nights at work have caused me to rediscover what I like to consider my version of Adderol. In college, an all nighter in the library almost certainly meant that I would pregame at 7-11. Buying what, you might ask. Coffee? Soda? Questionable prescription drugs from one of the skeevers outside? If you think the answer to one of these three common GW purchases is "yes", then you are sorely mistaken my friends. My study drugs are Combos and Lunchables.
Nothing makes the sweet sounds of Utilitarian political theory stick inside your frazzled strung out finals brain stick quite like the glorious taste of a buttery round cracker filled with fake cheese (how do they get that in there?). And at 6:15am when you're in the basement of Gelman library and you've just listened to "Everything" by Michael Buble approximately 327.4 times (the 0.4 is b/c you just pressed replay, AGAIN), and you know exactly which point in the song to switch back to internet explorer to see the girl wearing the white shirt and black tie shake it with the microphone, nothing makes tears you away from the hotness of Michael Buble's voice and refocus on writing two more pages about the geography of international agriculture exports quite like a Lunchable. My friend from the gym firmly believes that they are fake crackers, cheese, and turkey. False. Real crackers, something even more glorious than a combo filling, and protein. Can't go wrong.
So while I had unlimited access to 7-11 in college (it was in my building, problem #1), I do not in fact have access to 7-11 while I am working late at night. In fact, the only things I have access to are vending machines. And the vending machine on my floor sucks. A lot. It has wronged me twice in the past 3 weeks. Wrong #1: I scraped up $1.25 for a Reeses' peanut butter cup package. And by scraped up, I literally actually mean that I poured all of the change out of my Carlo Rossi (you heard me) wine jug in my office and sifted through the pennies in search of a glimpse of silver. Then I emptied out my purse, considered the merits of shaping a paper clip into a quarter, and crawled around on the floor until I found another $0.25. Then, pleased with my money finding abilities, promptly marched off to the vending machine in search of Reeses'. I needed my chocolate fix so badly that I could barely see straight by the time I got there. Shaking, I put my $1.25 in the slot, and what happened? Crank, crank, spin, spin, stop. That monkey fighting Reeses' was dangling off the edge of that Monday to Friday vending machine. It was like the ultimate rejection. It was like if you make a date with a guy you've liked for months to meet at a bar and he tells you he'll be there in 5 minutes, then he shows up in 5 minutes with another girl and proceeds to ask "who are you" when you try to slap him across the face. In fact, it's worse than that. The other girl slaps you first. So at this point, I can barely stand and I have to feel my way out of the kitchen and crawl back to my office so broken in despair and withdrawal from chocolate that I spent all my change on, and scrounge up another $1.25. I don't remember how I got the $1.25 b/c everything was so dark and fuzzy at that time in my life, but I made it back, 2 steps ahead of a vulture looking for a 2 for 1 Reeses' special, and out spat 2 glorious orange pieces of the promised land. I made it back to my desk and proceeded to eat all six cups, and get caught licking the inside of the wrapper. Wrong #2: As some of you may know, I've been having some serious blood sugar dramz lately. That scheiste drops, and I'm down for the count. And there's no warning. It's like 60 to 0 in 2.4, and pretty soon I'm passed out on the floor of my office wondering why my brain feels like it's sitting next to my body and not in it. So since apparently doctors can't see you until 1.5 months from the time you call them, I've been rectifying these dramz with sugar. Now this morning (and you should have figured this out by the fact that I'm still at work at 1:34am), I didn't really have time for such nonsense. I marched my tush off to the trusty vending machine and opted for Mike and Ike's, b/c I figured that was maximum sugar minimum time, and I wasn't craving chocolate. Put in my dollar, and the same effing thing happens. It dangles on the edge. Are you effing kidding me? And there wasn't even another package behind it that would have made it worth it. But I needed the sugar so I went back to my office, got another dollar, and proceeded to eat what was then a $2.00 snack sized back of Mike and Ike's. Not happy.
So that brings me to tonight. What I really need right now is a big ole bag of Combos (totes just accidently typed condoms). But since I don't have one of those, I settled for whatever the vending machine brought. Tonight that happened to be Veggie Crisps (solid offering). However, this is probably the first time I've ever been to the vending machine sans crisis. Crisis being the immediate need of chocolate for my ship to sail, or the immediate need of sugar for my ship not to sink. Which meant that I noticed the post-it note on the outside. "DO NOT EAT THE ALMOND JOY OR TAKE 5. THEY EXPIRED IN '07".
Where do I begin with this? First of all, who buys Almond Joy or Take 5 bars and has the time to look at the expiration date without shoving it down their throats first? If I'm buying chocolate from that bad boy, I don't have time to worry about expiration dates before I've already eaten the whole thing. Second of all, there are much better choices in that vending machine than either of those. Like, idk, everything else? They probably expired in '07 because no one has ever purchased one. And when one of those two vile excuses for chocolate has turned up to be expired, why would you buy the other one? Why, if you're eating out of a vending machine, do you even look at the date in the first place? Do you check the serial number too, just in case it's been recalled? I just don't accept this. At all. I mean, thanks for the heads up, but if I need chocolate, and Almond Joy (shudder) is the only thing in there, post-it note and expiration date or not, I will eat it.
Back to work. And my veggie chips have newly rejuvenated me.
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